Star Date: December 14 Weekend, 2001.
Mission: To turn suburban Maryland into a debaucherously cool place.
Status: Accomplished.

So I'm sure more than a few of you loyal readers have been wondering where Jacqui and Laura have been these past few days. I know you don't like to live without our daily online life updates. Alas, we have been Internet-less which has completely inspired us in ways we never imagined.

So, despite it being Saturday night, very late, we have decided to postpone our much-needed beauty rest in order to update you on the events of our weekend. Plus, we are semi-drunk and not quite ready to sleep yet. More fun for you, right?!

Our adventure began Friday at 10am when we picked up our rental car. We thought we were renting from the Enterprise on Fulton Street but lo and behold that franchise was closed. We had to pop up to Thompson Street in the village to get our car. (In the rain, this sucked!) Luckily our perseverance was rewarded as we were upgraded for free from a crappy compact to a schwanky SUV.

Escaping from New York in record speed, we drove through the harrowing storms to D.C. (Unfortunately my camera's battery died and I was unable to take pictures of Jacqui with the Big Boy statue at one of the rest stops on the way.) When we got to D.C. we decided to pop down the GW Parkway and see the sites straight away. We saw all sorts of memorials and monuments despite my lack of driving ability in the city.

After a long day in the car, we spent the night at the White Flint mall. (We are sooo suburban!) Our first sign of good fortune came when we found a ridiculous suburban hotel across the street from the mall and were able to procure a suite for our weekend home for am amazing discount! The best part, of course, was that the hotel was actually located in a strip mall!

So we popped over and got our pager for The Cheesecake Factory and then went shopping while we waited for the fabulous Shep and our dinner table. Sure enough we sat down and ate a miraculously good meal at The Cheesecake Factory. Then we popped up to Dave and Busters for a night of gaming and foolishness.

We met up with Kyle and Jacob at D&B. Unfortunately Shep's duty called and he narrowly escaped our pending debauchery.

First we gamed for hours while inducing a lack of sobriety via the channels of alcohol. Being the unbelievable video sportsmen that we are, we won an abundant collection of prize-redemption tickets amounting to a whopping 1961! In case you don't know what I mean, let me just say that 1,961 gaming tickets is the equivalent of 196 mini slinkys! Tempting as it was to redeem the coupons for a slinky fest, we decided to invest our tickets more wisely. Jacqui acquired an ultra suburbanly cute teddy bear with a tshirt with an American flag heart on it! We acquired two stuffed puppy dogs for the other ladies in the group who had somehow escaped our debaucherious influence to go see Harry Potter of all things. I, Laura, picked up a mini posable Kermit the Frog which would come to great utilization later in our story. We also bought silly glass items for Kyle and Jacob.

So then we drank more and the guys somehow managed to get us a private virtual golf session. The four of us then sat down, drank lots and played golf against a video screen and with the loyal assistance of some laser software stuff. Personally I have to say that my game was completely miserable and I would like to blame my unusually above par score on the unrealistic aspects of this session rather than on my complete inexperience with the game of golf in general. I would also like to note that the unreality involved somehow lead Jacob to be our champion!

Once Dave and Busters closed at the early hour of 2am, we were unfortunately evacuated and forced to go elsewhere. Luckily Jacqui and I had the foresight to purchase some wine earlier in the evening so we all retired merrily to the suite. (Jacob wanted us to get trapped in the mall, by the way. He speculated that we could swipe some skateboards from a store and skate about as if in some goofy movie he recalled. This being Jacob and all, I retorted promptly and accurately by telling him he would not have the nerve to do any such thing but rather would leave swearing "Hey.. I was walking really fast! That's almost just like skateboarding!" Heh.)

Now a word about the hotel and our "suite." Despite what Jacob may tell you, this hotel was quite fine. It was no Bellagio by any means but we are talking about Rockville/Besthesda here. It featured a lovely balcony with a view of Rockville Pike and the parking lot as well as two new lawn chairs which Jacob somehow located and then relocated from their point of original location to our own balcony. We also had completely too many mirrors adorning the walls of our suite, which might inspire some to perpetuate the debacuhery beyond acceptable means just for the sake of exploiting the multiple angles all these mirrors provide. Of course we are good kids and would never think of such things.

Instead, we just decided to get hotel porn. A double feature no less! Sweet Sorority Girls and Thighs Wide Open! Again, I must note that the inexperience of suburbia when it comes to porn can be most evidenced by the lack of available DICK in Maryland hotel porn. Furthermore, the programming is quite questionable. I do not myself recall seeing enough thighs wide open to justify such a suggestive title.

Have no fear, though, loyal readers. This unjustice did not go unpunished! Jacob was sure to see to it that the hotel management knew of our displeasure. First, once we figured out how to get the damn porn on the damn TV (Kyle and Laura were complete morons, it seems, and unable to successfully acquire pornography on their own. It required the intervention of the surprising agile porn connesieur Jacob!) Jacqui, of course, made the most important decision: that of programming.

Anyways. So there we are. A bunch of sweet, innocent, completely drunk and questionably intentioned kids with just too much damn bad porn on our hands! Furthermore the posable Kermit the Frog did not help! Rather he kept posing and spicing up the action with his own physical repertoire. (Evidence of Porno Kermie's behaviour: Exhibit A, Exhibit B, and Exhibit C. )

So with too much wine, too little dick and other issues at hand, Jacob decided it was time to defend our suburban rights. He picked up the phone (repeating a call earlier where he requested a large bottle of baby oil unsuccessfully) to file a formal complaint with the hotel manangement about the lack of dick on the pornography we had acquired.

Speaking as the person eavesdropping on the call, I must say that the management was completely polite and respectful of our concerns. Despite admittingly never having watched the porn they offered, they explained the proper procedure for filing a lack of dick complaint. Jacob was most grateful, eventually hung up and then spent the rest of the evening wishing he had invited the foreign bell attendant up to watch said porn with us.

One amazing fact. Mark Hamill, or was it Scot Hamilton, was apparently in the porn! (Or should have been) I believe we tried to file a complaint about that also but nobody was having it.

To help you understand the flavor of the evening better, we gladly provide you with some quotes from the indecipherable Jacob.

  • I was looking for baby oil, but all I found was dick and Mark Hamill.
  • Porn is a lot like real life.
  • Masterbate and switch
    • what the hotel did when they showed up porn programming we did not request!

    There was also an earlier joke floating about with regards to leading a whore to culture. If you read that fast enough, you'll understand more about the science of horticulture than you ever wanted to know.

    So that was our Friday night. Sure enough it ended more like on Saturday morning. Kyle jumped ship first, popping out before the rest of us had even had our first R.E.M. cycle. When the rest of us woke up, it was almost 2pm. Jacob tried to convince us that Annapolis was a worthwhile place to visit (as he needed a ride there) but we resisted, opting instead for vegetarian sesame chicken. Then we all drove to D.C. again to visit Abe Lincoln and tell him what freedom has brought us (a.k.a. porn).

    Having overdosed on suburban fun, Jacob returned home Saturday evening, leaving Laura and Jacqui to their own in the world of minivans and soccer moms. Of course this meant we needed more booze. Having to face the realities of suburban driving requirements, we opted to return to White Flint to eat and drink some more. (Furthermore we wanted to play more SkeeBall).

    Now it is late. We raced ponies with some Maryland dweebos and Jacqui won a dancing Gonzo the size of her torso. Laura has started her own Porno Kermie bordello (again we have pictures!) and it is surely time for rest.

    Be aware that there are details here left out to protect the not-so-innocent. Use your imaginations. Maryland, Porno Kermie, Wine, Jacqui.

    Good night. See you in New York.